brb_evil: (Life On Mars)
[personal profile] brb_evil
Title: The M-Preg Story 
Summary: The title pretty much explains it. 
Rating: White Cortina. Probably.
Characters/pairings: Gene/Sam, Annie/Sam, Ray/Chris, Annie/Chris, and those are only the ones I kind of mention. Also, Phyllis.
Author's notes: and a friend were talking about how Life on Mars and Ashes to Ashes pretty much hit, in canon, every single fanfic cliche there is, and then, OF COURSE, she had to say, "What about m-preg?" Thus. 

"I always knew you were a bit of a girl, Boss," said Ray, snickering to himself. "But this is ridiculous."

Sam punched him. Ray went to shove him against a locker and Sam jumped back in a defensive stance, just in time for Gene to burst into the room like a sort of angry bear, or natural disaster.

"Don't even bloody THINK of putting a hand on him, Carling!" he bellowed. "You'll give 'im a miscarriage."

Ray stared at Gene for a bit before falling against the wall convulsing with laughter.

Sam took the opportunity to knee him in the bollocks.

Three months later, Ray came into the office, larger about the tum than usual and sat in his seat, glowering, daring anyone to say something.

“Oh dear, DS Carling," said Sam smugly, "had a few too many meals? Or is it something else?"

"Don't say a bloody word more, Tyler," said Ray tersely.

"When's it due?" asked Sam smugly.

Then they engaged in the least physical fight Ray had ever been in since he was four.

"'ang on," said Chris, as slow on the uptake as ever. He gradually beamed. "Am I going to be a dad?" Unfortunately, as he was NOT pregnant, Ray decided to punch him instead.

This, however, turned out to be an incorrect assumption, as Chris was, in fact, also pregnant. He told Annie this secretly and made upset grabby hands as she promptly took away his pint.

"I've no idea what's going on here," she said. "But you're not finishing this." She finished it for him.

"Aww..." said Chris. "Why not?"

"You just shouldn't," said Annie firmly. "Who's the dad?"

Chris paused and thought about this.

"Dunno," he said. Annie gave him a look.

"Is ANYONE doing ANYTHING but shagging in this department?!" she said despairingly.

"Shhhhh!" said Chris.

He ended up having to explain himself to the rest of CID anyway.

Three more months later, when Sam was just about fat enough to have to take...paternity leave or something, he found Gene throwing up a lot and figured out that he was ALSO pregnant.

"Oh for fuck's sake," he said, leaning against the bathroom wall.

Gene growled at him, so he left, to eat tapioca pudding and beef burger together validly because he wanted it, and to tell Annie. She gave him her wide-eyed disbelieving look.

"He probably just had too much to drink last night," she said.

"No," said Sam. "He's definitely pregnant."

"Oh Lord," said Phyllis, walking over. "Who is it this time?"

"The Guv," said Sam. Phyllis laughed until she cried.

"I don't understand what's going on," said Annie.

"If Gene wouldn't INSIST on us keeping it within CID and dealing with it ourselves--" began Sam.

"What," said Annie, "d'you think doctors would know what to do about this?"

"Oh, PLEASE say that again, Sam," said Phyllis, wiping her streaming eyes. "I don't think it'll ever get old."

"Then it's not much like you, then, is it, Phyllis?" said Gene, striding over.

"No, guv," said Phyllis. "I should hope not. I'm not pregnant." Gene turned gimlet eyes on Sam who looked guilty. But also he had a mouth full of pudding and had to try and swallow it as quickly as possible in order to try and explain. He wasn't quick enough to avoid being hoisted to his feet.

"You told PHYLLIS?" he said. "You ARE a bloody gossiping BIRD, aren't you?"

Phyllis conveniently excused herself.

Two months later, Sam was sitting irritably at home and the rest (yes, the rest, even the minor characters, don't ask how) of CID were lumbering about. Except Annie. She was having to be the singular effective member and it was a mixture of moderately rewarding and really irritating.

"I still can't believe I'm the ONLY member of CID not pregnant," she said to Chris, sorting through files.

"I'll 'elp you fix that," he said, in his usual hamfisted attempt at hitting on her. Annie rolled her eyes.

"No, thanks, Chris," she said. "I think there's going to be enough babies here as it is."

In the end, they all had babies in whatever the magical mpreg way is. Ray put his one up for adoption after a lot of pressure from everybody who wasn't Chris. It was for the best.

Also, it turned out that Annie was the dad of Sam's instead of it being Gene, which confused everyone rather an awful lot.

And then the people in the hospital of the future reduced Sam's medication and everything turned out okay.
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Leah M

March 2011

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